Broken Pormises

another cold night so pour me a drink and make it a strong one, I've given up the fight and lost all control
you find that the people you trust you can only trust just a little, and the people you love you don't even know.

So I stop to think about the broken promises, the dreams I've lost and the lies I've told, with my eyes wide open I let it all slip away.  I remember the good times, the bad times and the times in the middle, I wish I could have remembered to ask you to say.

This is where I hide a lifetime of memories.  Convincing myself that I'm better off alone. I'm to tired to stand up now and two proud to fall, I wish I would have turned around and gone back home.

The days turn to weeks, the weeks become years and the years become a lifetime, before you find out where you are, you've been there to long. Now the echos of voices fall silent and their only the ghosts in my mind, as I look to find all the familiar faces gone.

And this is where I hide my lifetime of promises, I've locked them up deep inside a frozen tear away. I'm to tired to stand up now and to proud to fall, I wish I would have asked you to stay.

redemption

I'm lost and afraid to find the truth, because the truth is to hard to take, with all of these hidden lives and blind mistakes. All this time, seems like a test of life, or is life the test of time, as we close our eyes, hearts and minds...and it's hard to believe when you have faith in nothing...and I find myself wandering, searching for a sign...and I don't believe in fate, but I seem to hope for chance, or maybe, I'm just blind.

I thought I found God and I tried to believe, but it was just a waste of time.  I've seen the wars, hate and lies.  So now I've come down, broken and scarred and I tried to hide my fears, but then slipped and fell through the years...and it's hard to believe when you have faith in nothing...and I find myself wandering, searching for a sign...and I don't believe in fate, but I seem to hope for chance, or maybe, I'm just blind.

I tried to love, but couldn't shed a tear, there's just nothing left inside.  Now I walk alone afraid to find the way, because redemption take some time.

images from a fractured mind

One Step Closer To The Edge

One step Closer to the edge, I'm tired of pushing back these days, the fight is gone. One more step will ease the pain, I'm so empty inside, so I close my eyes.

Looking back at all the years, as a child I was taught to have faith.
They taught me how to feel good, then they took my pleasures away.
I was born knowing how to laugh and then they taught me how to hate,
so I tried to close my eyes.

I always thought of them as heros, how they could stand in front of the crowds and shout.
Now those heros have caused all my pain, and left me broken and full of doubt,
So I closed my eyes

And then the light fades and I feel the cold flowing through my veins,
and I floating helplessly, in and out of time.
I wish I could remember how it feels, to walk in the rain.

Images from a fractured mind part 1 and 1/2

The number 42 seems to be stuck in my alleged brain, perhaps just a mild throwback to Douglas Adams “The Hitchhikers Guide to the Universe” or perhaps my upcoming birthday in four months and two days…wow, that’s a 4 and a 2 weird huh….Have I mentioned I am a bit A.D.D. for those who don’t know what the is it means attention deficit disorder, never been diagnosed but I have noticed how easily it go sideways on a conversation… like now for instance....where was I,  I say that to the little voice inside me. You know that little voice that is suppose to keep your mind on topic.  The one that you talk to when your alone or, the one that talks to you when you’re playing cards, or working on a presentation that you don’t really want to be working on, or sacrificing chickens to the voodoo spirits or…well you get the idea, I mean I don’t do anything crazy like playing cards but you still get the idea…

where was I again?

….42 that’s right. I am not sure if it’s a sign or if I am being overly perceptive, however in my fortune cookie at lunch, my lucky numbers are 4,7,9,11,22,31, 42 add 4 and 7 and 31 and you get 42, add 9, 11 and 22 and you guessed it or your just good at math, 42. Mileage on my car 194,042…can you believe I have almost gone 200,000 mile in a ford? That has got to be some sort of record…sorry, A.D.D kicking in…, arrived at work today at 7:42, 42 junk mail in my inbox, mostly porn sites and Viagra offers…think someone’s trying to tell me something. Clearly Douglas Adams was correct, 42 is the answer to life’s question, but what is the question is the question…that doesn’t make sense the question is what is the question???

These are the things that run through my alleged ADD Mind at lightning speed as I try to focus for a brief few moments at my pressing daily activities, but let’s worry about that later back to my story…I died last night didn’t I, if so what the hell am I doing in Phoenix Arizona working for a small architectural firm run by an insane type ‘A’ plus a million personality disorder? Today in the staff meeting he went around the room saying good things about everyone at the table, finding just the slightest positive thing he could to each and every one of us…oh wait, except me, skipped right by me boss, what about the 250K fee I just brought in the door, saving pretty much everyone’s ass last month, no, how about the 20 hours overtime I put in to get that design proposal out last week, ya know I worked right through the weekend for you, no, nothing huh…of course at this time in my life, I have no balls whatsoever, so as loudly as I was thinking this nothing, not a sound at all came out of my mouth….I believe this speaks volumes to me.

This guy is the king at head games, I have never met anyone like him. It’s like he has a massive orgasm every time he fucks with someone’s head, even better is he’s able to break them, sick bastard….God I love this guy! Not sure if he knows that I get it or if just hopes I get it. It’s not what is said but rather what is not said that speaks the most for a person. He knows that I know that I am doing what he expects, and he knows that I know that I do not take compliments well nor do I appreciate them, compliments and soft soap ore for the week and insecure. 

Meetings over, and once again he goes on my list of people that can kiss my ass today… but what about last night, didn’t I die? So if I died, why am I here? My family and friends all see me as a relatively stable, successful upper middle class role model. Have a bunch of kids, lost count after 3, nice home in la de da la de da North Scottsdale, two cars two dogs two cats, two birds, two lizards…WOW, what is with the twos , who am I, Noah! What is success, am I successful cause I have this stuff, or because I fit into some sort of predefined mold. How is it that I remember dying yesterday so vividly and clearly, but my own family and friends seem like a dream, what is real, what the hell was I talking about….Oh God, now my A.D.D. has A.D.D


Thursday afternoon sitting in an airport bar at LAX, waiting to catch my flight back home. I started up a conversation with this lady sitting next to me, pretty attractive, long dark hair, sort of Italian looking with dark eyes, probably my age, but wearing her 40 something’s much better than me. Don’t know what possessed me to talk to her, most of the time I keep my head down and continually debate the worlds of chaos streaming around in my brain, but next thing I knew we were at a table having another drink an talking about childhood, something about her face was so familiar, I swear I’d seen her somewhere before. I told her about my first girlfriend Michelle, we were just two kids holding hands in the snow covered parking lot of St. Anselms Elementary school... really? I thought, what does she care about my first girlfriend, but she seemed genuinely interested. So I went on about what an idiot I was and if I only knew then what I know now I would have never been such a jerk. “I’m sorry, she said, that’s my flight, I need to go, it was really nice seeing you again John….and she left. Wait! How did she know my name, I never told her my name, what the hell! I had to know, so I charmed the bartender into looking at credit card receipt and give me her name, worked like a charm, after I handed her 20 bucks, she wouldn’t give me the last name but she said the first name was Michelle… ”attention all passengers southwest flight number 42 to phoenix has been delayed….”. Thanks god, you really love to fuck with me don’t you?

The funny things about dreams, you never know how you got to where you are in the dream, you just seem to be and then your somewhere else and you accept it, well at least your mind accepts it as totally rational.

Two days have passed since the staff meeting where my boss tried to screw with my head, and I have with absolutely no Idea what has happened over the last 48 hours. I am trying to remember how and why I was at LAX. I don’t have any projects there and every time I fly to California, I typically go to San Diego or San Jose, so How did I get to LAX and what have I done since the Monday morning liars club meeting…Monday morning Liars club was a pet name I gave to our weekly staff meeting, based on pretty much everything said in the meeting was a lie and was designed to cover your ass. So it’s Wed. afternoon I’m at LAX and…ADD again …. All of a alarms go of, what’s going on, who opened a door they weren’t suppose to…. what the……

Tuesday morning, not again, you have got to be kidding me….Well at least I didn’t die last night, that happened two nights ago….oh great now that’s gonna stick with me all day.

Images from a fractured mind - Part 1

And thus I have begun, it is my hope that this life may prove to be more favorable than the last. If nothing else, I have taken with me from my previous experiences, along with the faded memories and overexposed desires, the lesson that as long as I continue to search for THE answer, I will never truly understand the question. So here I begin, in search of no answers to life’s mystery, rather seeking to understand the question. The answer is easily uncovered once the correct question has been formed.


The most clear first memory, is also apparently the last of the time before…. It was a relatively normal day as far as weather goes, however the war had waged on and today’s battle seemed to be particularly bloody. The sporadic familiar sound of gun fire rang in my ears and the smell of gunpowder, blood and death lingered in the humid air. Through, what was once a door, I caught a glimpse of a soldier, perhaps half my age, clearly weary, yet somehow regal in his brilliant red uniform. I stared for a moment rather amazed at the scene out in the yard. Bodies fell like the autumn leaves from the great oak on the town square. Chaos, but a sense of order about it, almost musical but then random and out of time. My mind drifted to better times for only a brief moment, but ling enough to be exposed, his reaction was expected when seeing the enemy in your sights. I fell to the floor to load my weapon; I looked to take aim as did he. The shot, the sound, the smoke the smell, I saw him clearly, my weapon had discharged, smoke swirled into the air form the end of the barrel, but smoke came from his as well. I felt no wound, saw no blood, I breathed in, but could not, and I died at that moment…

The alarm clock pieced the silence of the darkness, 6:00 AM winter time so it was still dark outside, the light in the bathroom made me close my eyes to adjust, as I opened my eyes and looked at myself in the No just another dream. This morning like most in my coherent conscious life was uneventful, shower, fight the rush hour traffic on the way to the office, stop for a coffee, have a brief chat with the local merchants and then finally arriving at the office. Just one more thing to add to the general confusion of my day. I have been at this juncture in my life more times than I care to remember, but today seemed particularly odd…I died last night, I think I did, maybe not, it all seems a bit strange.